The Criminally Insane Life of Hyuga Neji!
by Roxius
Summary: Neji's life is not normal. Warning: Very OOC, alot of Yaoi and Yuri, and complete and utter stupidity! some ItachiXNeji later! Please review!
1. Neji's Morning

**THE CRIMINALLY INSANE LIFE OF HYUGA NEJI**

It was like any other day in the Hyuga household. Hinata was throwing hot-butter knives at people, Hanabi was drinking two times her weight in beer, and Neji was completely oblivious to all of it.

Neji walked into the kitchen and dodged a few hot-butter knives that went past him.

He grabbed a newspaper and read the comic section. "Ha ha ha! Jughead, it's obvious Veronica has no interest in you!" Neji exclaimed.

Hanabi stopped drinking and said, "You're all a bunch of fuck ass punk ruckers…"

Hinata shrugged and replied, "I'M CRAZY! I'M CRAZY! SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME! By the way, Neji, are we going to have sibling sex tonight?" Neji nodded his head and began eating some toast.

Suddenly, Naruto and Kiba came flying through the window and shouted, "TRANSFORMERS…ROBOTS IN DISGUISE!"

"You're such a bitch, Neji-kun…" Naruto shouted as Hinata stabbed him and Kiba to death. Neji giggled like a schoolgirl and said, "Hinata, I just remembered! I'm supposed to have sibling sex with Kankuro tonight, so we'll have to reschedule!"

"YOU'RE SUCH A MAN WHORE!" Hanabi screeched. Neji just shrugged and ran outside to do some jogging.

As Neji walked along the path, he ran into Sakura and Ino, who were having butt-naked sex on the ground. "Ah…the power of youth!" Neji shouted to no one in particular.

Suddenly, Rock Lee and Gai ran in and kicked Neji in the face. "THAT'S OUR LINE, RETARD!" they exclaimed.

Neji blocked their attacks and killed them with his 110-palms attack. "I wonder how Garra-chan is today?" asked the Hyuga prodigy as he merrily skipped off.

* * *

NO FLAMES BECAUSE IT SUCKS, OKAY? PLEASE REVIEW, THOUGH! 


	2. Naruto and Sasuke

Naruto and Sasuke were innocently walking to the Shop Rite when Naruto said, "Ahh, today is as beautiful as-" "IF YOU MAKE ONE MORE DRAGON BALL REFRENCE, I'LL KILL YOU!" Sasuke exclaimed.

Naruto frowned at Sasuke and whimpered, "You wouldn't really kill me, would you, Sasuke-chan?" Sasuke blushed and tried to think of something to say. Suddenly, Tenten and Temari ran by with G-48 Rifles and bombs strapped to their backs.

"I TOLD YOU TO KEEP THE WEAPONS IN A SAFE PLACE YOU MORON!" Sasuke shouted as he kicked Naruto in the stomach. Naruto apologized and ran after the two girls to get back the weapons. 'Stupid baka…still, he has a sexy ass.' Sasuke thought.

Meanwhile, Neji still hasn't found Gaara's house. 'Where can that little fucker be?' Neji wondered as he asked the Akatsuki for directions.

One of the Akatsuki, a fish man named Kisame, grinned at Neji and said, "So, you doing anything tonight?" Neji realized what the fish man was saying and he ran off in a hurry. "Darn!" Kisame said to Itachi, "I thought he could play poker with us…"

Back to Naruto and Sasuke…

Naruto eventually returned to Sasuke dragging the unconscious bodies of Tenten and Temari. "Good job, Naruto." Sasuke said as he lit a cigar, "Uh…where are the weapons?" Naruto's eyes widened and he grinned sheepishly. "YOU IDIOT!"

Elsewhere, Rock Lee and Shikamaru were having fun with some rifles…


	3. DAMN SEXY FLANDERS!

While the village of Konoha was slipping into insanity, things weren't going so well in the village of Suna either…

Gaara had only two bottles of whip cream to protect himself from the zombies, and one of them was almost empty. "DAMN SEXY FLANDERS!" Gaara cried as he blasted off a zombie's head with a handful of whip cream.

Gaara laughed triumphantly, but he was soon surrounded and ripped to pieces. Gaara opened his eyes and realized he had been dreaming.

Gaara giggled to himself and thought, 'What kind of retard dreams of fighting zombies with whip cream anyway?'

Suddenly, Kankuro crashed through the wall. He was holding two cans of whip cream. "GAARA, GRAB SOME WHIP CREAM!" Kankuro shouted, "THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING!" Gaara sighed and muttered, "Crap…"

Meanwhile, Naruto, who was sitting in the closet with Sasuke, wasn't having any luck at seducing his comrade. "Come on, Sasuke!" Naruto whined, "Let's at least kiss in public! We can have sex later!" Sasuke shook his head and replied, "Just shut your yap, Naruto. I'm not ready to be truly serious about this relationship…."

Naruto frowned and said, "Can I…at least hug you?" Sasuke blushed and reluctantly nodded. Naruto squealed like a little girl and wrapped his arms around Sasuke's waist. Suddenly, the door opened and Sakura and Ino were standing there.

"Damn, we were going to have sex here, but you already claimed it…" Ino said sadly. Sakura licked Ino's ear and said, "Let's go on the couch…" As Sasuke watched Sakura and Ino walk off, he thought, 'Sickos…'


	4. HandSlaps and Whip Cream

Neji was pretty much dead when he reached the village of Suna. What with running into zombies, fan girls, and a gay Shino, Neji could have been killed!

"What a horrible experience! I hope there's a shrink in Suna because I'm in dire need of one!" Neji said as he skipped to Gaara's house.

When he got there, Neji found Gaara's house on fire and completely destroyed. He also saw Gaara and Kankuro-chan (don't ask) fighting off zombies with whip cream! "OM MY GOD! THEY HAVE WHIP CREAM…AND I DON'T GET ANY! WWWWAAAHHHHHH!" Neji began crying like the little ass he is.

Kankuro noticed Neji curled up like a ball on the floor and shouted, "NEJI, GET YOUR FUCKIN' ASS IN GEAR AND USE THIS WHIP CREAM TO FIGHT THE ZOMBIES!"

Neji stood up only to be knocked over from a head collision with a can of whip cream.

Kankuro sighed and was about to go and kick Neji when a certain thought crossed his mind, 'Wait, we can kill the zombies with jutsu! DAMN!' Kankuro quickly did some stylin' moves and killed four of the zombies.

Just as Neji was about to open up a can of whoop-ass, a huge boulder fell on top of him and everything went dark…

Elsewhere…

"Sasuke-chan…it hurts…" "I'm not done yet…heh heh…" "OH! SASUKE-CHAN!" "WWWAAA-HA HA HA HA!" Suddenly, the closet door swung open and Anko screamed, "ARE YOU PERFORMING THE FORBIDDEN DANCE?" Naruto shook his head and said, "Sasuke-chan was teaching me how to play Hand-Slap!" Sasuke grinned and gave a sexy wink towards Anko.

The Chunin Exam Practor winced and said, "Well, shut up! Me and Iruka-chan are "watching" TV!" Naruto and Sasuke nodded and Anko closed the door.


	5. Being raped by Itachi

Neji sat up and rubbed his head. 'Where am I?' he thought. Suddenly, he felt an arm wrap around him and he let out a girlish scream. Neji looked to his side and saw that it was Itachi of all people!

Neji slapped Itachi in the face to wake him up. "Wazzup? Huh…oh, hey Neji-chan!" Itachi said. Neji blushed slightly as he asked, "Why the hell are we sleeping together? Did you…! DAMMIT, ITACHI! YOU USED THE PILLS AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU?" Itachi put up his hands and cried, "I have done nothing wrong, sir!"

Neji sighed again and looked around. "Where the hell are we anyway, you pedophile cur?" Itachi licked Neji's bare chest and replied, "This is my own secret lair for all my gay needs!"

Neji took that as a hint to run away and alert the authorities. "HOLD ON, DAMMIT!" Itachi shouted as Neji put his pants on. Itachi grabbed Neji and shouted, "YOU CAN'T LEAVE MMMMMMMMMEEEEEEE!" Neji looked down at Itachi's puppy-dog eyes and sighed.

Neji took off his pants and crawled back into Itachi's bed. "I'LL DO THIS ONCE, BUT THEN I'M OUT OF HERE BEFORE THIS FIC GETS RATED M!" Itachi jumped up and down happily and pounced on Neji…

Meanwhile, Gai had used his sex senses to tell that Neji was about to have sex with Itachi. "YOU GO, NEJI!" Gai said with a gleaming smile and a thumbs-up. Then, he got shot in the head by Rock Lee.

O.O


	6. The Hamster Dance

While Shikamaru was reading some porn manga, Rock Lee came in out of nowhere wearing only a jockstrap and a rifle sewed to his side.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU BASTARD?" Shikamaru cried. Rock Lee blushed and said, "C'mon, Shika-chan, you know you love me!" Shikamaru tightened the grip on his rifle and glared angrily at Rock Lee.

Rock Lee screamed like a little girl and ran off. 'Is everyone in this anime gay or something? Still…Rock Lee did look sexy in that jockstrap…' Shikamaru thought, slightly blushing. Shikamaru mentally slapped himself and repeatedly told himself that he was straight.

After that, Shikamaru decided to prove that he is straight by making a video of himself having sex with Haku, who is obviously a girl. Or so Shikamaru thought…

Meanwhile…

Kisame was looking for his uke-buddy, Itachi. He remembered that Itachi said he was going to his secret lair. Luckily, Kisame had implanted a homing device inside Itachi's skull, so he could find his friend easily.

Kisame ignored the zombies and the sand ninjas fighting with whip cream as he walked through Suna. He eventually found the entrance to Itachi's "secret" lair, and he quickly climbed in.

As Kisame went farther down into the lair, he began to hear music. Once he was close enough, he realized that Itachi was playing the Hamster Dance song! Kisame shivered and thought, 'WHAT IS THAT FUCKED-UP CRAP BITCH UP TO?' Kisame picked up the pace and screamed, "ITACHI, DON'T CLAP YOUR HANDS BECAUSE IT'S THE HAMSTER DANCE!" When Kisame reached the bottom, he was shocked by what he saw. Kiba, Neji, Hinata, Kakashi and Iruka were doing the 'Robot' while the song was playing.

Kisame's eyes widened in fear and he thought, 'Are they some kind of sick cult bent on reviving the great demon lord, Chucky Cheese? I MUST STOP THEM!' Kisame pulled out his huge sword and leapt at Itachi.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER! PLEASE R&R!


	7. Sakura Fanclub and Reptar Bars

A moment before Kisame's blade struck, the fish man felt a strange cramp in his intestines. "GOTTA GO POTTY!" he shouted and ran off to the nearest bathroom. Itachi sighed and muttered, "Does he have to do this every day?"

Neji, who was now drunk giggled and wrapped his arms around Itachi. Itachi grinned and thought, 'Who the fuck needs Kisame anyway? Arlong, that's who!' Itachi and Neji walked off and left the other ninja dumb and stupefied.

Meanwhile, Naruto and Sasuke decided to do something so disgusting and scary, that it would make you poop. "Are you sure we should do this, Sasuke-chan?" Naruto asked as he opened up the Sakura fan club on a laptop. "Of course, you sexy idiot! Now, I want you to send a e-mail to everyone in the Sakura fan club telling them that their 'pink-haired wonder' is eloping with Ino Yamanaka!" Sasuke said.

Naruto laughed and starting sending the e-mail. Sasuke grinned and thought, 'That'll teach everyone not to mess with Howard Stern! Who's Howard Stern? I don't know. DAMN, I'M TALKING TO MYSELF AGAIN!' Naruto gave Sasuke a concerned look as he watched his lover beat his head against the wall.

Naruto thought about what he could say to cheer up Sasuke. "Want a Reptar bar?" Naruto asked innocently. Sasuke slowly turned towards Naruto, his eyes gleaming with anger. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Suddenly, Neji came flying through the wall. He had a sign around his neck that said 'I WAS IN ITACHI'S BED!'. Naruto and Sasuke squealed in horror as Itachi also jumped in through the wall and began kicking Neji's face.

"THIS DAY IS REALLY FUCKED UP! ……But that's just me!"

O.O


	8. The Longest chapter so far

Zabuza was walking back to his house covered in blood and dirt. 'I can't believe that fish monger got so mad when I asked if he had any peanuts!' Zabuza thought, 'At least my little toy Haku will cheer me up…heh heh heh…'

Zabuza opened the door and saw a such a sight that he didn't look serious for a moment. Shikamaru was ON TOP of Haku. They were having sex on ZABUZA'S COUCH!

"OH GOD, HAKU! WHY DID YOU BETRAY ME?" Zabuza screamed as he began to stuff pretzel sticks into his mouth. Haku continued to make out with Shikamaru and ignore Zabuza…

Back at Suna village…

"BACK, YOU FAT-ASSED ZOMBIES! BACK!" Gaara screamed as he continued to shoot out globs of whip cream. Suddenly, he ran out of whip cream. Gaara screamed like a little girl and ran off to find Temari and Kankuro. Kankuro was using Crow to fight the zombies while Temari and Tenten were having a romantic evening together.

"TEMARI, COME SAVE ME!" Gaara shouted, "I NEED-" "IF YOU MAKE ONE MORE SHAMAN KING REFRENCE, I'LL KILL YOU!" Temari shouted over Tenten's groaning as the two girls had sex.

"THIS FIC HAS TOO MUCH SEX IN IT!" Kankuro exclaimed as the zombies closed in on him. Gaara realized that there was only one thing to do. As Gaara ran to a phone, Kankuro said, "Who ya gonna call?" "GHOST BUSTERS!" "I was afraid of that…"

Naruto, who was beginning to have mental outbursts because Sasuke won't have sex with him, cried, "IS THERE EVEN A REASON FOR THIS FIC TO GO ON!" Suddenly, Sasuke came out of Naruto's mouth and said, "I'LL FUCK YOU IF YOU SHUT UP, ASSHOLE!"

"Damn, this story should go in the M rating…" Neji muttered. Suddenly, Neji remembered what he had done not too long ago. "Great, now I'm not a virgin! Dammit!" Neji cursed himself and stuck forks in Hinata's eyes.

Neji stopped stabbing Hinata's eyes to see Choji staring hungrily at his ass. "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKIN' FAT BOY WHO LIKES MEN'S BUTTS?" Neji shouted. Choji looked up at Neji and replied, "There was a potato chip on your butt, so I ate it." Neji had a 'what-the-fuck' look on his face.

Choji grinned before he ran off without a word. 'Hmm…I wonder how long people could read this story before going completely mad?' Neji wondered. Suddenly, the most important thought in Neji's mind returned to him. "Wait a minute! I can't have sibling sex with Kankuro! I'm not related to him!"

Neji knew that he had to do something to save the world he so dearly loved from going mad. "I'LL GO INTO OUTERSPACE AND DEFEAT THE MONKEY LORD OF THE 8TH DIMENSION!"

I wonder how that will work out….O.O


	9. THE SUCKISH END!

Naruto was sadly carving Sasuke's name into the sand when Tenten, who was sleeping next to him, said, "Why are you carving Sasuke's name in the sand, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto sighed and said, "THAT BASTARD SASUKE LEFT ME FOR CHOJI! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SASUKE IS A GAY GUY WHO LIKES FAT MEN!" Naruto cursed a few times, but Tenten calmed him down by spilling coffee down his shirt.

Meanwhile, Neji had enlisted the help of some of the zombies in Suna to get him to outer space. Neji strapped a rocket to his back and one of the zombies lit it.

Neji flew into space and was never seen again! Hinata always wrote letters to him, but she was too stupid to know that Neji died.

Gaara eventually defeated the zombies after sacrificing Temari and Kankuro to their evil leader, Orochimaru. Haku and Shikamaru became lovers and Shikamaru admitted that he was gay as hell.

Choji and Sasuke also became lovers, but everyone thought they were fuckin' retards. Ino and Sakura were married and they were a very happy couple.

Since Tenten lost Temari and Naruto lost Sasuke, they both fell in love and became the only straight boy-girl couple in this story!

THE END!

I KNOW THE ENDING SUCKS, BUT I WANTED TO END THE STORY SOON BECAUSE I WAS GETTING A HEADACHE FROM WORKING ON IT!


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